Your HORROR – scope for the week of Feb 3rd, 2013

It’s a new month.

It’s a short month.

It’s a month that longs for Leap Year.

It’s a month full of practical predictions.

Here is your first installment.

Aries… The Earth is on the cusp of Mars. You may be pleased to discover someone is trying to get you registered with the AKC. Then again, it may not please you.

Taurus…Pluto is trine with its seventh house. Don’t let life get you down. You have a great future in used car parts.

Gemini…Uranus has lost its law suit to have its name changed to Uranium. You may want to find a faster way to dry your hair, but jumping off a ten story building isn’t the answer. Try a twenty story building.

Cancer…. Saturn is rising now. Time for a tattoo. The planets suggest, “Caution! Wide Load” on your butt.

Leo… The moon is in high orbit this week. There is no way around it. People will always take you for a farce.

Virgo.. Mercury is in decline. They are right and you are wrong. After an exhaustive search, you will discover there are no Apps for a gramophone.

Libra… Jupiter is aligned with Mars once again. You will experience a celebration, a cremation, and a new sensation.

Scorpio… Venus is square with our moon. People do not understand you because they see you in 2-D.

Sagittarius… Mars is in its fifth house playing monopoly with Uranus. Take note. You will awaken to find a euphonium player in your room wearing your underwear.

Capricorn… The Earth is in its orbital conjunction now. You will be mistaken for Earnest Borgnine or Dennis Miller. It could go either way.

Aquarius… Pluto is entering its prime this week. Go ahead and frown. You have a fretful future in ant farming.

Pices… Saturn may lose one of its rings due to a law suit. You will become a slave of your master bedroom.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”